There are two parts to mastering difficult conversations. In this second part, we will focus on asking for positive change. This requires honesty and compassion, otherwise, your honesty will present as brutality.
There are 5 Steps to asking for Positive Change. Remember, honesty is important, but honesty without compassion is brutality, so you always want to approach a difficult conversation with compassion.
Step 1, observe. State what you are observing. This includes facts, this does not include evaluation, judgement, and generalizations. It’s a huge relationship killer to tell your coworker something like, “You are always late to the office”! That is generalizing a behavior that automatically makes someone on the attack. Instead, address the situation, “I frequently notice you are late to the office. Can you tell me about what’s going on with you?” So we need to externalize the problem. Make sure that it is separate from the person. Because the person is not the problem, the behavior is. A couple of examples of the difference between what it means to state the observation versus including evaluation. At home is might look something like, “You have 5-10 pairs of shoes at the front door.” At the office, it’s something like, “I noticed that you’ve just finished the presentation for the meeting this morning, just right before the meeting.”
Step 2 is to identify your feelings. Remember, part of this process is staying cool, calm, and collected. You are asking for positive change. So when you identify your feelings, it’s okay if you are frustrated, but keep the frustration contained, not, “I feel so frustrated!” You want to open the conversation and say, “I feel frustrated that…” Make sure you know what you’re feeling, and keep it simple, happy, sad, mad, glad. As long as you can deliver it with, I have this feeling but contain it in a way that allows the other person to hear it. That’s what is going to make this a productive conversation.
Step 3 in asking for positive change is clearly stating your need for change. When we ask for the need and positive change, speak clearly, firmly, and positively. An example of asking for the positive change and the need portion is, “I need to trust. I need to trust that you are going to show up on time for office meetings. I need to trust you’re going to show up to dinner on time because it’s important to me.” Remember, this is your need, so don’t externalize or project it onto them. It is your need, so own it.
Step 4 is to state your request. Give them a roadmap of what you need from them. “I want you to show up five minutes before the meeting every time.” or “I want you to be home three days a week in time for dinner.” State exactly what it is you are asking from them and remember, you are asking from them. They still get to decide whether they agree or not.
Step 5, ask for feedback as you are going through the conversation. Ask things like, “How are we doing? Are you good with this conversation? Is there more that you want to get through?” Make sure you address one point at a time. Too many points that you are trying to make and asking for positive changes completely emotionally floods the other person. They don’t even know where to start, they feel like they are drowning in emotion. It just creates a lot of anxiety for people or makes them want to shut down. So remember, ask for feedback as you go along in the conversation so that you get to be heard, and the other person doesn’t feel flooded. For example, asking for feedback at work might sound like, “How are we doing here? Are we on the right track for this conversation?” At home, it may sound something like, “I’m feeling understood. How are you doing? Is there something more you want to say to make sure that we’re good?”
Difficult conversations don’t have to be so difficult if you develop the skills to have them.