The Emotional Roller Coaster—The Highs and Lows of House Hunting as a Single Woman
Article by Jen featured in Sirens
Today’s modern woman is successful, business-savvy and perfectly capable of buying her own home… so why do we keep holding out for a man?
With my life coming together, primarily in my career and ensuing financial stability, my lifelong dream was within reach. Instead of playing house, now I could realistically buy one—my own home. I longed to decorate, clean, cook, or leave the house a total mess. But most of all, I longed for the stability that only your own home can offer. So why, as my dream appeared more attainable, did it seem larger than life and even scarier?
Just like on the first day of kindergarten, I wanted someone to hold my hand, someone I could run to if the process of buying and owning my own home got to be too scary. I wanted to go through with it, but if it all got to be too much and I wanted out, I wanted to know that I could walk away at any point and be okay.
My fears about this process were so immobilizing that I realized I needed to examine them further. After all, wasn’t I certain—but what I did know was that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way.
Take my friend Tara, for instance. Tara is a sharp, 34-year-old attorney for the City of Los Angeles with a girl-next-door approachability and fun-loving attitude. She is pretty, pulled together, and shifting to the next stage of her life: creating a family of her own.
For nearly a decade, Tara dated Sam, a man she met at a part-time retail job while putting herself through law school. Tara eventually left that gig to accomplish her career goals, while Sam stayed on full-time as a salesman. Tara tried for years to overlook his nonchalant approach to his future, their future, because she loved him and they got along well. But Sam’s lackadaisical approach to his career ambitions spilled into his attitude toward marriage, kids, and homeowning. He talked about “someday” with Tara, but never planned for it.
In keeping with a female-fantasy cliché, Tara had always dreamed of standing before her white picket fence hand in hand with her Prince Charming—blissfully secure about undertaking their shared adventure. She never truly considered buying a home on her own, despite the fact that she was financially able to. And why not? Was it because she’d be admitting defeat, be forced to sacrifice the dream—the whole happily-ever-after picture—that she’d held on to since she was a little girl? The answer is yes—for Tara and many other women—even though admitting this idea would make many modern women cringe.
My friend Maria, an ambitious, 33-year-old advertising executive, also fell victim to this plight. In 2002, she and her once-starry-eyed girl with an uncertain future who’d driven halfway across the country at age 18, with very little money in her pocket, in search of her dreams? Now I was standing on a cliff overlooking the beautiful beach city of Santa Monica, California, contemplating buying a home but afraid to take the leap. What had happened to me?
I realized that even though I was older, wiser, and more self-sufficient than ever, I was holding my home owning dream captive, using a plethora of excuses to prevent its realization: “I don’t have enough for a 20 percent down payment”; “I still have a lot of places I want to travel to”; “I’m waiting for the market to turn to get more bang for my buck”; and (my personal favorite) “What if I lose my job tomorrow?” (despite the fact that I’d been employed by the same company for nearly a decade). Yet each excuse sounded very rational, even responsible. But then, so do the justifications I continue to console myself with when it comes to losing the extra ten pounds I’ve been wanting to lose for the past ten years.
Yep, if you look hard enough, a multitude of obstacles can stand in the way of realizing your hopes and dreams. Staying safe in wanting mode, after all, is a whole lot easier than being vulnerable to failure, no matter what your goal is. After a bit of soul searching, I realized, sadly, that the only thing truly holding me back was the one thing I’d sworn never would: the support of a man. I was aghast and ashamed. Had the Cinderella storytelling and my own mother’s modeling during my childhood unknowingly seeped into my subconscious and made me feel this way? Or was Mother Nature to blame? I wasn’t dream! Nothing and nobody can take that kind of inner strength away from you once you take the plunge, although certain people will try to in one way or another. But you will surmount these obstacles and emerge a stronger, wiser woman—just as I have.
Real estate is an ever-changing industry. Trendy neighborhoods, housing markets, and interest rates fluctuate regularly. Once you’ve read up on the basics of home buying in this book and have gathered your team of people to help you—like a realtor, inspector, insurance representative, and mortgage lender—don’t stop doing your home owning homework. Throughout the house-hunting process, keep up with events in the newspaper or online that might affect the housing market in the region in which you intend to buy.
You will also want to consistently monitor interest rates and loan options available to you. Depending on how long your hunt takes, these variables will likely change. Even the slightest change in the real estate climate can adversely affect if and where you buy, how much you spend, and whether a mortgage lender loans you the funds you may need.
When I was going through the honeymoon phase with my new house, my strength was tested definitively. Within the first few months, my worries about leaky faucets, property taxes, and home and earthquake insurance sprouted, seeded by my lack of experience and by flying solo in this adventure. Yes, the fear boyfriend, Matt, decided to buy a home in the posh neighborhood of Bel-Air, California. “Buying a home with Matt was exciting,”
Maria says. “It was symbolic of our intentions to be married one day, and was just a wise investment for our future.”
Two years into living together, Matt and Maria agreed to go their separate ways. Family support and her personal savings enabled Maria to qualify for a second loan to buy Matt out of his share of the home, and they were able to split cleanly and amicably. “Living together made us realize we weren’t right for each other after all. Our breakup was painful. But in reflection, I can honestly say that had Matt and I not initially bought the house together, I don’t know that I’d have considered doing it by myself,” Maria admits. “Of course, I was petrified to take on the mortgage alone once we decided to break up. But now I chuckle that I was ever afraid.” I knew how Tara and Maria felt. Knowing someone’s in it with you makes most challenges of this magnitude more comfortable.
Astonishingly, even once I’d decided to go it alone and begun gathering experts and family and friends for support, I sometimes silently questioned if I was going to be okay once I finally went through with it. You see, the arduous process of picking the right realtor and learning about mortgages, taxes, and my credit only stirred the whisper of doubt within me. But I tried to not look back and instead trusted in my decision… and in myself. Two and a half years later, I finally found the right condo, nestled in the industrial part of sunny Santa Monica.
My friends and family and I celebrated my feat. We cheered my capability—alone, I had achieved a piece of the American Dream.
Source: Sirens
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