Learning to ride a bike
06.29.08
To trust is probably one of the scariest parts of living. Yet, all things in life require trust. Driving, homebuying, love, friendships, work. And trusting in another person is monumental for me. I don’t do it easily. But I have gotten better at it over the years.
How much trust does one give over? I guess that depends on what’s at risk. Money? My heart? My life? Even more frightening for me than trusting in someone else is fearing that when I do and I’m disappointed, I begin to question whether I can trust in MYSELF. Trust my judgements. Trust in my ability to “see” through people and their facade...thier ill but well-camoflauged intentions.
I pride myself on being a smart, capable woman, and therefore, I don’t just trust anyone. In fact, it has taken years of learning to let my guard down to let someone in...in love or even friendship. And I certainly have lost in both. But when you win, you win big. So I’ve had to learn to give some trust over...and in a way that is still safe enough for me that I don’t completely relinquish my closely-guarded heart. Because at the end of the day, you can strip me of my material things that I’ve worked hard for..."things," while I enjoy them, have little value to me. But my heart and dignity, well those are precious commodities to me. And I’ll fight to preserve them. I’m worth it after all.
Take this guy I recently began dating. I tiptoed toward him… unconcerned about a destination, but cogniscent of the present...of my feelings. Mindful how safe he made me feel to put SOME of my precious trust in him. Trust, after all, is not an all or nothing venture. It must be given in doses; give what you’re given. And through his consistent attention and reassurance over some time, I started to like being with him. I started to like HIM. And then, as I feared, my biggest fear actually, he disappeared. Yep. Completely MIA. Off he rode to the land of the lost...overnight.
Fortunately, I’d hadn’t fallen in love. But I was starting to fall in-like...enough to feel hurt and disappointed and wanting to throw my guard up again. But I guess love is like learning to ride a bike. Start off with training wheels. And if you fall once you take the training wheels off, well, you gotta get back on and ride a little slower until you’re ready for the big downhill ride where the pedals go so fast that you can’t even keep up with them and you can kick your feet straight out, giggle with delight and enjoy the wind blowing through your hair without a care in the world....because you trust you can handle whatever bump you may cross on the way down.
But my girlfriends and I can’t help but wonder: If we always need a man who opens up to us first so that we can feel safe to slowly trust in them, how does a relationship with us really ever get off the ground? Don’t we sometimes need to be the one to start pedaling...instead of waiting for someone to give us a small push? But in the initial stages of male-female romantic relationships, is it better if the man generally takes that risk first? But if a man doesn’t, can and should we women take that risk...risk of rejection and abandonment… first? Will the man ever truly respect the relationship...will he respect HIMSELF if he didn’t take the risk first? You know, overcome his own fear and fight for us? And will we women truly feel secure in the relationship knowing he didn’t?
What’s worse? Not taking the risk as a woman to initiate and never getting to take the ride or taking a risk and getting hurt?
Case in point my good guy friend from college who recently decided to settle into a relationship with one of several women he’d been dating both because he liked her and simply because she was the only one who’d had the courage to ask him for it. Afterwards, some of the other women he’d been dating regretted not having put it out their themselves because it may have been them instead of “her.” But this one woman did...and she “won.” I’ve done that...and “lost.” And it was so painful that it’s made me fearful of doing it again. And so, ironically, this time, I let this last guy take the risks. And I happily pedaled along. But I still got hurt.
So maybe, just maybe, I just answered my own question...and it only took me just over half of an entire pizza to do it.
