Blogging Killed the Private Diary
07.07.08
When I was little, I would sometimes keep a personal diary. The good old fashioned kind...where pencil met paper and words would spill out onto the crisp, clean white canvas. And it was just for me...safely guarded behind a lock and key and stashed in a secret hiding place. Occassionally I’d read a page from the story of my life as it unfolded to a best friend. But my personal diary was...well, personal. It was strictly for me to reflect and hash out my feelings in an attempt to make me feel better or to memorialize a profound event like the first time I kissed “Sammy,” after I rocked the stage at my dance recital or had ANOTHER blow-out with my mom and went to the safest place I could to yell out my frustration at her without getting grounded for talking back (which, if you ask her, never stopped me anyway.)
But with the genisis of the new American past-time, blogging, and of course my personal guilty-pleasure of cheap, but fascinating drama called reality television, are we overexposing ourselves? Is personal space for us, the non-celebrity folk, becoming extinct? Will my would-be-child one day think a personal diary is archaic - like I have come to think a home phone is? And, most important...at what cost?
I can tell you I worry about that as I blog here on my personal website. How much of myself do I give to the world? Okay, that’s a little dramatic, cuz, as of today, exactly 898 people have read my site. Hardly the next MySpace. But still, it’s MY life they’re reading about. And I’m the culprit letting them in. I do find it ironic. One of the reasons I left my small town in Iowa as soon as I could was because I didn’t want everyone to know my business anymore. I wanted a more anonymous life. One where I could fit in without necessarily standing out...or at least selectively show my new world what I wanted them to see...instead of what they knew or what they’d heard “gossiped”—good or bad—about me or my family. I guess I just didn’t want to be where I thought I was in a position to be judged. That is a very vulnerable position. Why would I choose to put myself there willinglly?
The internet is kind of scary to me in that regard. Information exists for an eternity - and for everyone to see - once its found its way to a virtual home. I have several concerns with this. First, I missed out on a potential blind date with an alleged “hot” attorney that my good friend “Sally” was attempting to orchestrate. He seemed to really be diggin’ on all the things she had to say. Not thinking anything of it, “Sally” mentioned my full name. And, you guessed it, he went home and “GOOGLED” my name. Ordinarily I wouldn’t mind it. But there are a few bad shots of me floating around out there. NO! Not naked, non-Disney approved shots. Just a bad publicity shot from about eight years ago because some hair stylist had no clue on how to style my hair and I just entrusted that she was a professional and knew what she was doing. That was my first mistake, clearly. But now, anytime someone Googles me, it pops up. And if they’ve not ever met me in person or its been a while since they’ve seen me, they could think I really look that hideous. I’m no modern-day Cindy Crawford here folks (all 898 of you), but I like to think I’ve cultivated a little style since moving to and maturing in this big city of Los Angeles over 12 years ago.
Anyway, needless to say, the “hot” attorney turned down the offer - that would be he rejected me - based on this 8-year old bad photo that popped up in his need to check out my “stats” before agreeing to go out with me. I know I shouldn’t be offended. Or do I have that right? Regardless, of course I was. My ego was bruised. I mean, what if he was the one true love of my life that never happened? (I’m KIDDING of course.) But still, I hope no “hot” anyone looks at my baby picture on this site and pre-judges me because of my boy-haircut, even though my glasses are pretty darn cool.
Okay, in fairness, I do understand a little about looks and the need to check things out before taking the plunge. I mean, I pick-up a book based on its cover first afterall. Then, of course, I flip it over to read about the substance inside. But what about dating sites...like Match.com...where someone’s basic “resume” is exposed up-front for all to judge in addition to their appearance? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done it. And I’ve actually had a few good dates...and a few good lessons. Don’t go out with a guy who has shots of him wearing ball caps, black and white photos or profiles ONLY. Another lesson: Knowing a lot of information about someone up-front may kill the relationship before it ever gets started.
I’ve gone out with some pretty cool guys - one or two - that I met in everyday life that I grew to really like. Had I known about some of their “statistics” (living arrangements, careers, hobbies, financial status, even looks, etc.) that these guys were able to reveal to me in person...after having time to build a rapport, a kinship, a trust...I’d have gasped at their audacity to “wink” at me. And I certainly wouldn’t have given them the time of my day, let alone the time to “wink” back! I know that sounds snobby, but hey, I’m just keeping it real here. But these couple guys from the “real world” who were not perfect on paper (or even in the looks department) were far more interesting than the “perfect paper match.” And I had much more of a connection with them. Plain and simple. That’s what it’s about. How they interacted with me. Did we laugh a lot? Did we come from similar cloths? Did he make me feel reassured and safe? Those aren’t on the Match.com pre-qualification lists. And I would have missed out on these guys who - even though we aren’t still dating - taught me some invaluable lessons and some good memories.
And now blogging of feelings. Oh boy! I know I’m going to get myself into trouble here. I’m really good at sticking my foot in my mouth. So I grapple with how much I reveal to you all. What if I blog my feelings about someone or a situation and even though I’ll never give away their identity, how might that person feel if he or she reads my blog and just “knows” its him/her I’m referring to. Does that jeopardize our friendship or the potential of our love connection? Especially in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, aren’t some feelings or thoughts sometimes best left unspoken? Particularly when both people are still stumbling over how he or she feels about the other. Will it affect the outcome? Should it?
What happened to a little mystery, after all? I think mystery has become an under-rated commodity. And yet, I blog. Hoping to give enough of me without sacrificing a part of me...or the people who affect me.
Okay, that’s it for this week. For all 898 of you checking in, I may be a little late next week getting my new blog up. I’m going tubing in Arizona for the weekend. But then, maybe THAT was too much information.
